Have you ever had a week where you wished you could just close your eyes and the week would be over with already? Last week was like that for me. Hubs had his second hip replacement, and I’m in the mode of caretaker, coach, nurse, driver, chef, counselor and private masseuse at the moment. Each day Hubs is getting better, but he has a complication this time, so the healing process is going to be a little slower. He has a foot drop which is caused by damage to the sciatic nerve.
According to the Hubs, his foot feels like it weighs two hundred pounds. His foot is numb, and he doesn’t have the normal feeling from the ankle down. I’m sure you have experienced when a limb has fallen asleep, and you get tingles, pricks, and numbness and when you try to move it, you can’t. We will know more about how well it will recover in a few months, but in the meantime, it is a waiting game plus lots of physical therapy.
The Blame Game and the Enemy’s Lies
A few days after we got home from the hospital, the enemy was having a day with me. I was feeling guilty because I was the one who urged Hubs to get his hips replaced. His first hip replacement was seamless, and he has received so much relief from his pain. We were both excited for him to get the other one done. So, when this issue came up the enemy was right there telling me it was my fault because I was the one who encouraged him to get it done.
Finally, I went to Hubs and told him I was sorry, and he looked at me bewildered. He assured me this was no one’s fault. It was just something that happens sometimes, and we would get through it like every other challenge. Hubs then told me not to even think about taking the blame for his issue. As with any surgery, there is always a risk. He is not discouraged and believes it will work itself out with God’s help.
The one thing which stood out to me was when Hubs told me not to take the blame. You see, all my life I have taken the blame for things that weren’t my fault. I even admitted doing things that I didn’t do just to try and keep the peace. I remember when I was young and my grandmother called because someone popped my uncle’s basketball by throwing darts at it. My parents kept asking me over and over again if I did it because my brother said I did, so I took the blame even though I didn’t do it. I had to buy a new basketball, apologize and go to bed every night at 6:30 PM for two weeks while everyone else was outside playing. Years later my brother admitted he was the one that did it and he had just let me take the blame.
Growing up, I always heard how my brother wanted to be an only child and never wanted any siblings, so when my brother developed a mental illness, who do you think blamed herself? Yes, me. I didn’t understand mental illness at the time, but I thought maybe if I hadn’t been born my brother would have never gotten sick.
In many of my friendships or relationships, if there were an issue I would take the blame because I wanted the problem to be resolved. It was easier to take the blame and keep the peace than to have the dispute remain unsettled.
When my daughter was a baby, she developed an immune deficiency which left her very vulnerable to illnesses. As a mom, I thought it was something I wasn’t doing correctly. Once again I took the blame. It had to be my fault she was sick so often because I was the one who was caring for her the most. However, the reality is babies and kids get sick.
ACT-ing on My Response to Triggers
Unfortunately, this carried over through much of my adult life until a counselor pointed out that I say I am sorry for nearly everything, including things I have no reason to be sorry about. She went on to tell me it wasn’t my job to fix every problem people put in my lap. Wow! Can you imagine my relief in knowing I’m not responsible for everyone’s well-being? That was a counseling session which truly changed my life.
When the latest episode of the blame game cropped up, I was ready to own it all again. I had dealt with this problem a long time ago and realized I was not responsible for every bad thing that happened to people around me, or even to myself. But we all have triggers which can lead us back to our past feelings or behaviors. Have you ever heard a song or smelled a scent that transported you to another time and place? I’m not a psychologist nor do I play one on TV, but I believe our triggers can be great motivators, either for good or bad.
Three Steps to Follow When You Feel False Guilt
In order to prevent my triggers from taking control in a negative way, I knew I had to A.C.T. on my response. I developed this little exercise to help me win the blame game.
A. Acknowledge: Admit your issue
C. Capture and Control: Capture your thoughts and Control Your Response
T. Train: Train your negative trigger into a positive response
Training your response to triggers can be helpful. For example, I have a friend who used to chew her nails to the cuticle and make them bleed. She was taught an alternate response, which was to chew on a piece of sugar-free gum when she wanted to chew on her nails. It works perfectly for her.
Whenever a trigger plays havoc with me, I pray and write. Prayer and journaling have become a very effective way of releasing my emotions. Journaling has always been a very soothing, comforting and healing tool for me. Prayer also helps me reveal where the trigger came from so I have a point from which to move forward.
Talk it Out and See God’s Sparkle
One of the best things you can do is talk it out. Find a safe place with a person you can trust and tell them what is going on. The longer you hang on to it, the more it grows. I’m blessed to have some ladies from my small group who are my judgment free zone. It doesn’t mean they don’t tell me what I need to hear, but they care enough about me to speak the truth in love.
I appreciate each of you, and always want to be honest with you about my life. Some days we sparkle more than others, and some days we need to see God sparkle through others.
Let me know if you would like me to pray for you. When we pray for others, our focus is changed, and we realize we are not alone in our struggles. The enemy loves it when we become isolated from one another, so he can get the lone sheep cornered and attempt to devour it.
The past is a good reminder of how far we have come. No longer do we have to be prisoners of our past paralyzed in pain. Not this time, not ever! Because Jesus always leaves the ninety-nine and comes looking for his lost sheep. The struggle is real, but Jesus is fierce and fighting for each of us.
I’m praying for your husband’s complete healing and for your continued peace of mind and heart, my friend!
Hi, Marta!
Thank You for your sweet and encouraging words! We appreciate your prayers!
Such an important topic. And the older I get there many things that worry me. Thanks for sharing your story.
Hi, Mercedes! Thank You for taking time to read it! This is where our faith helps us to be anxious for nothing..knowing and trusting God will always take care of us.
Sheila! Thank you for spelling it out for us. ACT! I love that analogy
Hi, Caroline! You are welcome! I hope it helps when you need it!
I love the “T” portion of the A.C.T. “Train your trigger into a positive thought.” That’s something I’ve been working on lately.
Yes I would want to be the sparkle !Can you imagine I could feel what you been through .
But I had the problem if trying to fix everything! Doesn’t happen !
Thank you for your transparency. I think everyone goes through this to some degree, some more than others. You and your family are in my prayers. I’m very impressed with your ability to transform your feelings into action.
Guilt – blech. It has such a way of wrangling our faith and confidence in God’s plan, doesn’t it. As moms and wives we seem to carry far more than our share. Love your idea to ACT. A very intentional way to deal with those triggers!
Hi, Tiffany!
I’m sorry for the delay I missed your response ..dang! I appreciate you taking the time to write. Yes, guilt has a way of messing us up big time! I believe we have to be intentional because if we aren’t the enemy loves to make a stronghold! Ain’t nobody got time for that 🙂
I love the A.C.T. Idea!! Especially the part of reassigning a positive trigger for a negative trigger!
What a great personal post! I understand you so good! I always take blame for everything, even if I know I have nothing to do with that…
Hi, Stefanie! It is a trap isn’t it? So, what are you doing to counter taking the blame? I would love to hear your thoughts!
Life is always full of ups and down and it is very easy to get caught with all the negativity but it takes a lot to push all the negative thoughts and act upon it. So proud of you,you are managing everything nicely now. Lots of love!
XO
Shreya |https://mymagicaltrunk.com/
Hi, Shreya! You are right about the ups and downs of life. It is funny how long negative thoughts can stay with you versus positive ones if you choose them. Prayerfully and Thankfully I can ACT on them now 🙂 Thanks for your encouraging words! Lots of love back to you!
It is so easy to get caught in the blame game. I think there is a balance for things in life. And it is important to admit when you are really the person at fault. But you shouldn’t just accept responsibility for everything that goes wrong.
Hi, David!
You are right it is so easy to get caught in that game. Peace was always so important to me, but now I realize the price I have paid as a result by not allowing people to own their crap. I’m getting better now and calling it like it is because I have learned how to ACT on those triggers. Great insight!
I’m so glad to come across this post. Jesus still loves us despite all our wrong. He is forever faithful and awesome in His ways.
Hi, Chemady!
You are right about that! The one thing that will forever hold true is His faithfulness, awesomeness, and love. I’m glad you did too!
I really enjoyed reading this post. I found so much helpful information. I really appreciate your honesty and point of view.
Hi, Tasheena!
I am glad the information was helpful to you. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post. I hope you will stop by again. My prayer is people will see my honesty through my writing and are encouraged to know they are not alone.
Thank you for sharing your struggles! I agree we tend to take the blame for everything and we are so hard with ourselves! Lets all try to stay away from negarie triggers as an experiment and see what happens!
Hi, Chelf!
Yes, I love that experiment! I’m all in! Why do we always tend to take the blame and so incredibly hard on ourselves? It is such a trap! One I’m glad I am learning to fight against by ACTing on those triggers. Thanks for your insight!
How easy it is for us as women to fall prey to the blame game……where we feel it is our responsibility to carry it…… Or perhaps, any other burden we feel is ours to carry. I believe you a e right…….the enemy is most definitely afraid of what we might do with our present and our future in Christ, so, he will use what he can to keep us held in bondage. But, we were freed from bondage with Christ’s death and resurrection! No longer do we have to carry, that which was never ours to carry in the first place!
Hi, BW!
The eneemy may have his day, but we have our eternity! We are free indeed! I hate it when I set it down only to pick it up again. Lord, I need my faith to trust and believe you can handle all things! Thank You for such great insight and reminding me that we don’t have to carry a thing!
Oh yes!! You were talking about me!! I’ve done exactly that…take the blame and spit out the apology, knowing full well I’m not to blame. In doing this I’ve enabled quite a few people to dodge responsibility. I believe this is another of the enemy’s ploy to keep God’s children from walking in full freedom.
Hi, Lureta!
I loved your post too! You are right it does make people dodge their own responsibility. What good does that do? He whom the Father has set free is FREE indeed! Let’s walk in it together!
Such a beatiful story, you’re so kind hearted. Thank you for sharing something so personal. Nicely said.
Hi, Ania!
Sometimes I ask God why it that I always have to share my personal stuff….and He told me because your personal stuff belongs to me. (Mic Drop!) Thank you for your encouraging words!
I have a difficult time with the T in your acronym. All my life I have been trained to be sarcastic and have a bad attitude about everything bad that comes into my life. I think it is a defense mechanism really. Then I come online to be a blogger and suddenly I see that everyone for the most part wants to be friendly and professional when it comes to having a business and sharing those ideas with other business owners.
Then I flip over to Facebook and see all the negativity and sarcastic comments and it’s like a whole different internet. I almost want to make a new Facebook account just for my business and leave my old one alone so that it’s still there but I am never on it. Just to stray away from the negative and sarcastic lifestyle.
This is a fantastic post and I thank you for sharing!
Cheers
Hi, David!
Thanks for your honesty! Trust me I have trouble with ‘T” too! I should tell you for those who know me well that sarcasm is my love language. I even designed a T-shirt for it! Defense mechanisms can help shield your pain, but they are like a mask, and until we deal with our real issues it does make you miserable. Trust me; I’ve been there! I agree Facebook has become different, but I figure I have a choice I can be the positivity to encourage and inspire or be like the rest and spew the ugliness. The fact is it is a whole lot easier to do what the crowd is doing than daring to be different. David, You are daring to be different, and I appreciate it!
Thank you for being honest, the enemy is like a roaring loion seeking whom he may devour.
Hi, Terri!
You are right about that! John 10:10 is the truth which backs up all of what we feel!
Until you mentioned the part about saying your sorry all the time and always taking the blame to keep the peace I couldn’t really relate. Then it clicked and I said that’s me. I do that too. Thanks for this. It was definatley something unneeded to hear today.
Hi, Julie!
I’m glad you could recognize and now are aware of how to handle this issue. We can’t be responsible for everything, and we need to make others own their responsibility to give ourselves peace. Thanks for being honest and sharing you relate! Isn’t it good to know we are not alone? Blessings to you!
I know this game. I have a tendency to take the blame for my children’s choices or my husband’s mood. Such a good reminder that to be free of guilt and shame is our birthright in Christ.
Hi, Alice!
Yes! Jesus took on all the blame so we wouldn’t have take other people’s blame. What a beautiful reminder there is no guilt or shame in Christ! Thank You!!
Sheila, you are a dear! Thank you for being so honest with your struggle. It’s funny how we all have things that we just have a hard time letting go of. For me it has always been the “I’m not enough” game. As you know Sheila Qualls has talked about that and it is so true. Whenever I am tired, or something goes wrong, I fall back into that trap of, “I’m just not good enough!” All of these things are of the enemy and though we have to acknowledge them we don’t have to stay there. That A.C.T idea is perfect. Thanks for sharing that. We are in this together, sister! I am glad we are not alone! – Amy
http://stylingrannymama.com/
Hi, Amy! I have decided the enemy preys on the past because he is afraid of what we will do with the power of Christ in our present and the future! We are enough! We just have to remember to ACT on those negative triggers! We are in this together, sister!
Oh my precious Sheila…..no one has a better, kinder heart than you. This is well said.💖
Cathy,
If I can be half the woman that you are I will have considered my life successful! You are an amazing woman who inspires me every day in one way or another! Love you!
Thank you for sharing something so personal. Been there, bought the t-shirt, and still wear it from time to time. But, every day is better as Jesus strengthens me.
We are overcomers my sweet Sister. We are precious in His sight. Never, ever, forget that!
Hi, Toni!
Hmmmm…I wonder what T-shirt we could make? “I’m not to blame for your problems,” Jesus said so! or “You can’t pull my trigger” 🙂 I love you friend thank you for your endless encouragement!
Ha ha! We could start a new t-shirt trend!
I think many women deal with these kinds of issues. I don’t know why we feel the need to take the blame. FOR EVERYTHING! It is tied to shame. There’s something wrong with me , so it must be my fault. I wrote a post recently (I think) about taking the blame for everything. I said if we’re to blame for everything l, we must be God. Kind of changed my perspective. So sad you lived so many years like that. I know what it feels like. Freedom is so sweet.
Hi, Sheila,
I agree! Dang, how did I miss that post??? Wow! That is a great perspective. There is nothing sweeter than the freedom Christ gives us through the Holy Spirit! Thankfully, we can both walk together in the power of Christ!
Love you friend!