Coping with death is never easy, regardless of whether you know someone is going to die due to a lengthy illness or if they pass away suddenly. I know what I am about to share this week is probably hard for you. It is hard for me, too. Death does not discriminate by age, sex or race. Death can be overwhelming, deeply painful, and yet sometimes peaceful at the same time. We all have to deal with the sting of death at some point in our lives. For some of you, this will conjure up some great memories, and for others, it may trigger some emotions you haven’t felt in a while. As we face this difficult discussion together, let me ask you this, “If someone you cared about was dying, what would you do differently?” Here are some things to think about when faced with the difficult news.
When Someone You Love is Dying
Don’t Let the Past Get in The Way: Have you ever heard someone was dying and you have had a falling out with that person? This is not the time to dig in your heels and insist they are getting what they deserve. First of all, that is a cruel statement, and secondly, our bitterness often turns into regret. None of us are perfect people. We do and say things which can cause great hurt and sorrow to one another. Think of how you would want to be treated in this situation. Would you rather hang onto your pride or find a way to forgive or to receive forgiveness where that is appropriate? Forgiveness is a powerful gift. We often think we have all the time in the world to make amends, but there are times in our lives when we are not afforded such a luxury. Being in ministry, I can’t tell you the number of times I have spoken to a person who wished they had reconciled their relationship with a family member or friend before they died. A life of regret is consuming. No one likes to say, “I wish I could have.” I realize there are some relationships which can’t be restored, but then it becomes about making peace with the situation. Giving forgiveness isn’t just for the other person, it is for you. Every moment you hang onto unforgiveness turns into hours, days and years you allow the situation to consume your life, robbing you of peace and joy.
Make More Time With Them: Why do we wait to hear someone we care about is dying to spend time with them? Every day we have the opportunity to spend time with the people we say we care about. It doesn’t always have to be in person. In this age of technology, we have many ways to be connected. We can facetime, chat, call on the phone, Skype, write an e-mail, text or even take the time to visit. We tend to live in our own bubble because it is convenient and routine for us. However, life is anything but routine when we know our time on earth with a person we care about is coming to an end. The value of a phone call, a ten-minute visit, or an e-mail may be deemed priceless by the person on the receiving end. So often we say we don’t have time, but the fact is each of us makes time for what we want to do. It’s the reality we all live with. Can any of us honestly say we do not have an extra ten minutes in our day to devote to letting someone know we are thinking about them? How much time do you spend on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter? Trust me, I am just as guilty, but I bet this is an area we can all improve on in our lives.
Use Your Words: Many times we go through life never knowing what our impact is on other people. Tell them how you feel. There are people I wish I had told how much their life had influenced me, but I didn’t. Sometimes, we don’t even realize the full extent of their impact until they are gone. I lost one of my dearest friends three years ago, and the most treasured conversation we had was sharing with each other how we influenced each other’s lives. We laughed and cried for hours. This also gave her the opportunity to share her heart about what her concerns and wishes were for when God called her home. When words are life-giving, they become a great source of healing, happiness, and wholeness.
Capture More Moments: I used to hate having my picture taken because I thought I had to look perfect. I needed to have my hair just right, my lipstick on and make sure the picture was taken at a good angle. I don’t worry about that anymore because the pictures or videos aren’t about me, but about sharing precious moments with someone, I care about. The candid moments of life captured in a picture, conversation or video are what will live on in your heart. Photos make memories come alive and become a source of healing and wholeness. I have saved a voicemail from my friend, that when I am missing her, I will play over and over again just to hear her sweet voice and laughter. My mom hasn’t passed away, but I have videos of her that capture the very essence of her joy! The more moments you save, the more memories you will have to hold on to and remember the good times.
Ask Them About Their Faith: For many of us, our faith is the foundation of who we are. Faith gives us strength to get through the most difficult times in life. Share on XFaith gives us the strength to get through the most difficult times in life. Faith provides our hope for what is to come after this life is over. Faith helps us persevere in times of adversity and brokenness, and brings peace to our souls. Faith is the gift God gives us to encourage us. Don’t be afraid to ask your friend or family member where they are in their faith. Anytime I have asked a person about their personal beliefs, they have always wanted to talk about what they believe, or what they don’t believe. A one on one conversation gives you the chance to share your heart. As a Christ follower, I would be remiss if I didn’t ask them if they knew my Jesus. They may accept or reject your belief, but if you share Christ with them, you have given them the opportunity to receive everlasting life. We can’t wait for eternity to ask the most important questions of the people we love.
Recently, I asked this same question on my Facebook page, “If you knew someone was dying that you cared about, what would you do differently than you are doing right now if anything?” Here are some additional suggestions others shared:
Be There For the Family: Sometimes the greatest gift we can give to one another in a crisis is time. When someone is caring for a gravely ill person, life doesn’t stop. Groceries still need to be purchased. Meals need to be cooked. Laundry needs to be washed. If young children are involved, they have needs all their own. Offer to take the children for a few hours or an overnight. Offer to sit with their loved one so they can take a break. Sometimes, a family member just needs a nap. Encourage and love on the living as well as the dying. It was important to my friend for me to check on her husband, not only during the process of her leaving us but afterward too.
Keep Talking to Them: I’ve heard from respected medical professionals when someone is dying their hearing is the last sense to go. Many of my friends who commented on my FB page also reiterated to keep talking to them, and shared how talking or singing would calm their loved ones from an agitated state. I know from my own experience with my grandmother that singing was a great comfort to her because even though she was not able to say anything and would even appear unconscious, she would smile when we sang to her.
Go the Extra Mile: The extra mile will be worth it in the end because you will know you have done what you were supposed to do and not live with regrets. Saying goodbye gracefully is not only for the one who is leaving you behind but for you too until you see them again.
We are never promised a chance to say our goodbyes, but when we are given the opportunities let’s make the most of them and treasure the time with those we love and care about.
This is such a difficult topic to talk about but I really think going the extra mile is a good piece of advice. It takes your mind off things and also benefits the other person.
Hi, Michenn!
It is a difficult subject, but I agree going the extra mile brings such beautiful peace to both. Thank You for your comment.
I had to deal with this last year when my Grandpa died. I love him dearly though I hadn’t seen him in several years. It still hurts tremendously but my family was there for him in his final moments and that’s what counts in the end. Thank you for sharing your positive insight with us 🙂
Alicia,
I am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy to say goodbye. I love that your family was there when he needed you the most. Love is what it is all about!
Wow, lovely article. Saying goodbye is not always about sadness. We should be happy because we made memories with them that we will cherish forever
Thank You for your kind words. I agree! Saying goodbye doesn’t have to be sad when we hold their memories close to our hearts
I don’t think anyone knows how to cope or what to do until the time comes. I think it’s all very well to write lists, but everyone copes differently and there are no set rules.
Hi, Natasha, Many times we don’t know what to do, but hopefully, when something does happen at least these tips can be something to think about. I agree there isn’t a set of rules and everyone does cope differently.
These are great tips. So often we don’t like to face the fact that we are losing someone. This is helpful and creates some additional memories.
Hi, Aja!
I agree we don’t like to face the fact we are losing someone. It is a painful process, but having some things to think about in the process helps us to deal with our pain. Thank You for your kind words.
I think you shared some very insightful tips and I couldn’t agree more. My grandmother died last year and I definitely recall doing a lot of what you mentioned. These are really good things to remember and I appreciate your sharing them with us!
~Crissy
http://www.whimsicalfawn.com
Hi, Crissy!
I am so sorry for your loss. Grandmothers are a hard one to lose. I’m glad you were able to spend time with her. I’m sure you gathered, even more, memories to hold and treasure.
Great post! I have never faced such situation ever. I love how you mentioned,we must share our feelings before itself. This is a brilliant post and I am sure this will help everyone to cope with every situation.
Shreya,
Thank You for your encouraging words. Death is never easy to talk about, but we need too. I’m glad you haven’t had to face this situation, but glad you have some tools to help you through the process if it does happen.
I have loved through a close family member dying, and at a young age. It was a very difficult time. These are good things to remember about what is important during that time.
A friend of mine died of Cancer last year and all I could think to do was spend more time with her and try to make her day pleasant.
I believe that even those in a coma can feel our energy and “hear” us spiritually. So yes I agree on that we should keep talking to them. I also agree that we need to be more caring and kind while people are still healthy and alive. I have seen far too much death this past year alone.
A person’s religion to me is a sacred and private thing. I believe having faith of any kind is important and respect all systems of belief. To me, the most important thing is we love one another.
Joely,
You are so right about being more caring and kind while people are alive. I’m so sorry for the losses you have experienced this past year. It is true the most important thing we can do is to love one another well.
This post is put so beautifully, I don’t quite have words to express myself. I think the most important thing that people forget is using their words. Its important to go the extra mile and use your words to comfort not only the person who is dying but also the people around you. Thank you for such a great and thoughtful post.
This got me so emotional. I hope your tips help all of us going through.
Manavi,
Death does make us emotional. So many feelings all at the same time. The reason I wrote the post was because I’m going through it too. You are not alone!
Great blog Shiela. It made me cry to bring back those memories but that’s okay too they are healing tears. Before he passed I told him it was okay to go and that I loved him and I’ll be with him again one day.
My sweet Dorothy,
I know you have dealt with this death a few too many times in the past couple of years. I am so very sorry for your losses and pray God continues to bring the beautiful memories of love to your heart. You are an incredible woman and what a treasure you are to so many including me. Thank You for sharing your heart and the words of wisdom. Much love to you!
Death can really put things into perspective, this is a fantastic article and a great way to help others cope too
Hi, Charlotte!
Yes, death does put things in perspective. Thank You for your words of encouragement. Sometimes, we are called to write in the middle of our pain to help each other cope.
I love the way you remind us not to wait until someone is dying to share our feelings and show them love. Heavy topic to write about. Do you watch “This is Us?” I don’t watch much TV, but I heard it is a good show so I watched Season 1 on Netflix. Evidently there’s a death scene in Season 2. I haven’t seen it and don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t seen it, but it is supposed to be very moving. Really makes me think about relationships in my life.
Hi, Sheila!
I am an avid fan of “This is Us”. This show demonstrates all of us in our struggles and triumphs of life for sure. There is a death scene which will bring you to tears in a very healing way. Just another thing we have in common! The Voice and This is Us are the only shows I watch regularly. I don’t have time and really nothing else is worth watching on TV. Blessings to you!
Thanks Shelia for sharing your thoughts on dying. It’s not an easy topic especially when it plays out in real time. I love last point. Go the extra mile!
Hi, Sharon!
Thank You for sharing your thoughts. It isn’t an easy topic, but I do know when we lose someone we care about it does help in the healing process. Sometimes, the extra mile is hard but so worth it in the end.
This is a really good advice. My grandpa passed unexpectedly a couple of years ago. I wish I had more time to do and say a couple of things! I know he is resting in a better place.
Hi, Deimarys,
I am so sorry for your loss. Death is never easy. Even when we do have time, we always wish we had more time. I realize your grandpa can’t respond, but you can still say the things you wish to say. I believe part of the healing process is the ability to share those things which come up and need to be spoken aloud. I have done that on many occasions in the death of loved ones that I didn’t get to say it to them personally. It has helped me in the process I pray it helps you too!
This was really hard to read considering some things my family is going through right now. It’s really hard to say goodbye and prepare yourself for someone’s inevitable passing. However, this is all really good advice.
Roxy,
I am sorry you are having a hard time. It is difficult to prepare yourself for someone’s passing and to say good-bye. The gift of time is precious, and my prayer is you will find comfort and peace in the process.
I do love this post. I certainly agree that we should be talking more about our faith if we say it is so important to us. And I agree that taking more pictures and remembering more moments no matter how we look is essential.
Hi, David!
Thank You for your encouragement. It is a hard topic, but one worth talking about. Better to live a life without regrets than to live a life full of them. Pictures are precious and tell amazing stories of our loved ones. The moments we share become the most precious and treasured moments of life.
Great article my friend! Sometime’s it’s the smallest gesture that makes the biggest impact. May we love each other well in sickness and in health.
Toni,
You are right about the smallest of gestures making the biggest impact. Money can’t buy love, time or life. Love, time and life are the gifts we can all give to one another. Love you friend!
Beautiful article with pretty amazing tips. Losing a loved one is not easy but these are a great way to get through it.
Megan,
It is never easy to lose a loved one, but loving well helps take the sting away. Thank You for your kind words.
These are great tips. Both of my grandfathers passed away in 2014, one suddenly and one we expected for awhile. I found it so much easier to cope with the loss of the one we expected because I was able to spend time with him, talk to him, and really grieve him before he even passed.
Meagan,
Wow! What a difficult year in losing two men you love. I am sorry for your losses and pray your heart is healing. May their memories fill your heart with love. I agree it is easier when we have the opportunity to say goodbye, but not any easier when they pass. May their memories bring happiness, laughter, and joy to your soul.
Knowing someone will bid goodbye is not easy at all. That’s why the best thing to do is spend the most of with them, laugh and build and collect good memories. Document it if possible!
Hi Blair,
I agree. Pictures are more precious than gold when a loved one passes away. Laughter is such a healing power to our soul.
I know dealing with this is never easy. I’m glad you have this list. Making the most of our time with them is really the best. Sharing memories together while they are here. It is difficult but we really have to accept the reality.
Hi, Anosa,
You are right we have to accept reality because it is how we move forward. Grieving is important, but Im sure our loved ones don’t want us to be in a continuous cycle of grief. Thanks for sharing!
I’ve dealt with a lot of death in my family. It’s painful and hard. I thank God everyday for my faith in Jesus. If I didn’t have it it would be even more difficult.
Valerie,
I agree without Jesus I don’t know how I would deal either. It is the promise and hope of Jesus that we can trust we will see them again. I am very sorry for your losses.
This is such a beautiful, and helpful post. I’ve never been good at dealing with death. I lost my best friend when I was 15 and I spiralled downwards in a big way. Since then, I just basically shut down when there is a death in the family as to not go back to that place. I’m definitely saving this post. Thank you. <3
Christie’s Take on Life. xx
Christie,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a best friend too. It was very unexpected and one of the hardest times for me. It was the reality of life slapping me in the face with how unfair it can be. As time has gone on and I look back at our memories, I am grateful for the gift of her life and the many lessons she continues to teach me. Do what you love and live life to the fullest because none of us are promised a today or tomorrow. The loss of her life has made me become a better friend today because I cherish every moment with my friends. Thank You for sharing your authentic heart.
This is all so helpful. When my grandfather was going through all the pain he went through before he eventually passed, it was so crucial to be around family. People who knew him the way I do and loved him the way I do. It taught me that family comes first. Over everyone else.
Divya,
You are right! Family is so important! My family may not be perfect, but our love for one another is the glue that sticks us together through the good and the bad.I’m sorry for you loss and hope the memories you cherish bring you much happiness.
This is definitely a topic not talked about often and saying good-bye is never easy. Leaning on faith for strength is definitely a must! Wonderful tips!
Maria,
I couldn’t agree more. I don’t know how people who do not have faith cope with such difficult circumstances. Thanks for your encouragement!
I’ve never had to deal with this and I hope not to have to deal with this anytime soon. It’s tough to face the hard facts of grieving and death. Great tips that you’ve shared with us.
Dana,
I pray you don’t either. Death isn’t easy, but I do believe when we are better equipped in a crisis it becomes easier to handle. It was a difficult post to write, but one I believe was worth it. Blessings to you!
Amazing post! thanks for sharing
Jesse,
Thanks for your kind words. I hope you were encouraged!
Use Your Words and Capturing the Memories are two that I really need to try to embrace more. I did not know hearing was the last sense to go, that is very interesting. Allot of this also applies to our own mortality. We want to say all that we can, and leave lasting impressions so our life is not forgotten, and we do not leave those without memories or having heard the things they needed for closure.
Beautiful post, and such well thought out tips.
Thank You for your kind words.I didn’t know for a long time about hearing being the last sense to go either. My prayer is my lasting impression will be of one that inspires, encourages and motivate others to be the light for others.
Sheila, these are such great suggestions. We just recently had two acquaintances/friends have their spouses die. One lives far away and the other we haven’t seen in a long time. I decided to put off sending a card for a few weeks (I’ve sent each of them love on FB), because I know the first few weeks people are usually flooded with sympathy cards and well wishers. Sending a card a little later reminds them when things get too quiet that they are still loved and thought of. I agree that spending time with people is so important. I have taken to hear the idea that we do not know what tomorrow holds, so live today with purpose….love, dance, laugh, travel, share Jesus. Thanks for posting this. – Amy
http://stylingrannymama.com/
Amy,
I always appreciate your insights. I’m sorry for your losses. Death is never easy, but I’m thankful for our God who gives us His comfort and peace. I love what you said…”Live today with purpose”. Imagine if we all did that how differently the world would be or even how we would be. One sparkle at a time until the whole world can see. 🙂 Thanks for being my Jesus Glitter today!
Great tips! Coping with death is never an easy task. I agree that having Faith gives you the strength you need.
Tasheena,
Faith is huge for me! I don’t know how people cope without it. It is hard enough on a good day let alone a day where we our hearts are broken.
Great post. I have dealt with a lot of death in my family. I dont think I can handle anymore
Stacey,
I am so sorry for your losses. Death is never easy, but hopefully you have wonderful memories to cling to and give you comfort and peace. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
This would be so difficult, but I love your ideas. If this ever happens, I know I’d spend as much time as I could with the person and just be there for them.
Amber,
Time is a precious gift we can never out give to those we love and care about. Yes, just sitting in their presence can provide great comfort to both sides. Thanks for your encouragement!
Great tips! Talking helps I guess. It’s mostly the ones living on after wards who need talk therapy before the loved ones die.
Hi, Helene!
Therapy is a great way to deal with the influx of emotions that is for sure! It is never easy, but the more we talk the more we can express those feelings.